Thursday, April 25, 2013

Narrow Bridge

I walked into the gym at 5:40 this morning.
I sat down to put on my spinning shoes.
And a wave of something like grief washed over me.

I haven't sat down to put on my spin shoes at the gym since...
since before Sam relapsed.

For just a moment, I put my head in my hands.
I breathed in deeply, staving off the dizzy wave of realization and fear.

The world is a very narrow bridge.

I rode my bike.
I sweated.
I stopped at the store.
I grabbed a latte with the early-morning crowd.

And I came back home to some kind of normal...some kind of reality.

All four of them bouncing around.
School books.
Piano practicing.
Coffee drinking (okay, that was just me.)

The world is a very narrow bridge
but the important thing is not to be afraid.

This in-between at-home-but-knowing-it-is-temporary feeling is unsettling.
The in-between bridge is narrow.
And the end is foggy.
The home-health nurse came for a visit.
She took vitals.
She asked questions.
We flushed his lines after she left.
It was like we had never taken a break.
We remembered exactly what to do.
I wanted to forget.

But the important thing is not to be afraid.

The important thing is not to be afraid...


rbarenblat said...

The ikkar may be not to be afraid, but Reb Nachman (if that really is his quotation -- I've heard argument on that score) never says it's going to be easy.

Thinking of y'all, praying for sure-footed steps toward the best possible outcome. said...

Phyllis, you are amazing! The world needs you as a wife, a mother, a Rabbi AND as a writer! You have a real gift for expressing yourself with just the right words. Love you all!

Elizabeth Wood said...

Do not be afraid. The important thing is to not be afraid. We're all with you as you cross that bridge.

Sending love and strength to my favorite family.
Shabbat Shalom! xx