#blogElul 29: Return

It's so hard to believe that this is the last #blogElul post....that a full month has gone by of preparation and readiness for the Holy Days of our year.

With today's topic, "return," I return to my intention for the month...to use this space to prepare, in some way, for these Days of Awe...and I think that I have. Each night, I return to my computer and I sit down and I contemplate the topic for the next day (I usually work a day ahead!)...and I look deep inside and I consider what this word means to me today.

Isn't that what the work of the holidays is?
To challenge ourselves and to return to the core of our being?

Oh I hope so.

May this new year bring you all that you want, all that you need, all that you hope and wish and pray for...may blessings abound.

L'shana tova u'metukah....a good and sweet year.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 28: give

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 27: intend

i wanted to
i meant to
i tried
i intended
i didn't mean it
it wasn't my intention

i missed the mark.

i'd better try again.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 26: hope

HOPE

to cherish a desire with anticipation

to desire with expectation of obtainment

to expect with confidence 

(from Webster's online dictionary)

I've heard the word my whole life.
I've probably heard it eleventy-hundred-billion times more since Sam's first diagnosis.
Hope.

It can be incredibly powerful to hang onto hope...when you really don't have much else to go on.
Or it can be nothing. A breath in the wind that floats away.

I've gotten attached to the following phrase: "data-based hope."
It puts together two ideas that I'm fond of:
Science
and
Prayer.

Our doctors have a lot of science on their side. A lot of experience and data.
And then there's the unknown. The who-knows-what-will-happen and how it happens and why it happens and when it happens.

And then there's the letting go -- the sinking into that puffy fluffy soft and warm cloud of hope. Cherishing a desire....with anticipation....expecting and waiting and believing that it will come true...

hope.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 25: begin

As the month of Elul comes to a close in a few days, I'd like to use this opportunity to draw your attention to the secular month of September, which begins tomorrow.

Last year, for the very first time, I learned that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Which meant, frankly, that I used to be very un-aware.

(And nevermind that I am now fully and completely aware of childhood cancer EVERY month. Nevermind that, okay?)

What does this mean?
Did you know that in the US alone, 36 kids are diagnosed daily with childhood cancer?
Did you know that in the US alone, 7 kids die each day from childhood cancer?

Sigh. Childhood cancer isn't pretty or shiny. Even though we are often smiling, there are lots of times that we aren't. There's a lot of pain and worry and fear and that's just from the parents. You can imagine how bruised and battered our kids are...

Tomorrow begins a month of story-sharing, statistic-quoting, and gold-wearing.
Maybe people will get so used to it that they won't stop.

Here are some links to cancer posts, videos, etc, that are all designed to make you so crazy that you will stop at nothing to join in the fight against childhood cancer...and of course, you can always read about our journey at Sam's blog.

Are you sick of all this cancer stuff? -- by Nicole Scobie
Breaking News! Childhood Cancer is Not Rainbows! -- by RockstarRonan's Mom, Maya
Lock up September -- at the FourSquare Clobbers Cancer blog
Childhood Cancer Stories all September -- by MaryTylerMom

All of these blogs are hard to read. Be courageous and subscribe to one or all of them. Read the stories, feel the heartbreak. Get mad and do something....it's a good time to begin.

Feel free to grab one of these and share it....share it....share it.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 24: end

How do people write memoirs?
People keep suggesting that I write a book about our experiences.
I keep telling them that I can't write the book until I know how the story ends.

I can be very goal-oriented.
It took me a long time to understand that sometimes it's just about the process.
Sometimes the doing and the being and the living are enough....

The wise Brene Brown said that if we OWN the story, we get to write the ending.

But what about stories that are being written for us?
What about the endings that are unclear...blurry...far away?

The year has a definite end. As Rosh HaShanah comes in, we know that the book is closed on the year. No way to re-open it and rewrite it. We lived it, we move forward.

If only the rest of life were so simple....

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 23: love

It was love at first sight.
If you haven't read about Sam's love-at-first-sight meeting with his new cells, check it out here.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 22: Dare

Sometimes you have to take a daring leap....

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 21: CHANGE

When I create the BlogElul prompts, I brainstorm a list and then tweak it a little, adjust the order, make sure it all seems to "work" and then send it out into the world. This year, I clearly didn't proofread well, since I ended up with two identical prompts: change.

I caught it right away (well, not before I had sent it out into the world) and when I asked what people thought and the consensus was to just leave it. After all, "change" is a pretty big theme of the High Holy Days.


When I created the prompts, I had no idea what the 21st day of Elul would be.

Change? Today is about as big of a change as it can be.
Today is the day that Sam receives his new cells.
His bone marrow transplant.
His new birthday.
His start of his change of status...from Leukemia Patient to Bone Marrow Transplant Survivor.

The change will be hard.
His body will resist.
Change can be painful.
He may suffer pain and discomfort.
Change isn't easy.
But there's no giving up.
There's no going back.
There's no starting over.
This is it.
The change is here.

Blessed are You, our God, who gives us the capacity for change.
Thank You, God, for this gift.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 20: Judge

When we talk about judgment with respect to the High Holy Days, we are usually talking about Divine Judgment. The Big Judge. God on High, judging us all, writing our names in the Book of Life or....the other Book.

Last year, I read those words...
who shall live
and who shall die
who by fire
and who by water
who by sword
and who by beast
who by plague....

And I get stuck.
I can't write the words.
I can't think the words.
I can't even breathe when I think about it...

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 19: Ask

Asking questions is, in my opinion, one of my best skills.

I always want to know more. 

Is it any surprise, then, that my children ask incessant questions?

Sometimes, though, I just wish I hadn't passed on this particular trait. 

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 18: pray

Each night, we say the words of Shema with our children.
Even the youngest, at 2 years old, can say the words.
Does he know what he is saying? No. But I teach him the words.
So he can say them.
So he can begin to make them a part of himself.

Our tradition says that we should pray in whatever language is comfortable.
I have always found Hebrew to bring me comfort.

Since Sam got sick, we sing the Mi Sheberach prayer, as interpreted by Debbie Friedman, each night.
It's in Hebrew and English.
We've also added Hashkiveinu, as set by Steve Brodsky and others (sung here by my bosom friend, Rebecca Schorr)

They all know the words.
They sing them.
Do they know what they are saying?
Because of those English words....yes. They do.
I can't tell you how many conversations have popped up, unsolicited, at all hours of the day, with questions about the words.
"What is 'lives a blessing'?"
"Why do we need to learn 'wrong from right'?"
"We have shelter. Why do we ask for more?"

The questions, the conversations, the discussions...these are the prayer.
They learn the words, they sing and speak the words.
But they feel them, they breathe them, they live them.
They make them a part of themselves.

May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable to You, O God.


The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 17: awaken

When you're in the hospital, they try so hard not to wake you up.
But they have to do it, they have to check those all-important vital signs.

I think a lot about those who work the night shift.
Not just our nurses, whose wakeful presence gives me such comfort.
But I think about police officers and fire fighters and ambulance drivers and crisis-line phone operators and military officers and....

The "night watch" goes against the grain, doesn't it? Our bodies yearn to sleep in the night and be awake in the day. Yet those who are willing and able to do their work in the dark of night...they keep us safe, they give us comfort, they help us all to sleep just a little better.

I think a lot about those who are up when we are down.
Those who keep themselves awake so the rest of us can sleep.

For their wakefulness, I am grateful.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 16: change

Change is SO hard.
It's hard for me, it's hard for my kids.
I remember when I first learned some parenting techniques, way back in the early days of my first baby...I remember that there was so much about the importance of "transitions."

No kidding.

Transitions are hard for the kids and hey, they're hard for the adults!
Judaism is so very good at providing ritual for smoothing over traditions.

Look at Elul! It's a whole month to get us ready for a new year.
But it's not just that. Our rituals for birth and life and death all take into account the normal human inclination to resist change.

I'm so very grateful for these transition rituals, which guide my life and help me to find blessing even in moments that seem stressful and ordinary. 

P.S. in honor of "change," I've changed the header on my blog!

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 15: learn

One of my favorite things to learn about was the intercalation of the Hebrew calendar. I'm not sure why this bit of education interests me so much, but I vividly remember when I actually learned how and why the Hebrew months are the way they are, why we have leap months, how the whole thing plays out. And I remember finally understanding the phases of the moon, which I also learned in fifth grade science, and I remember how it changed the way that I view time.

As I looked up at the moon and saw its fullness, I was reminded of this learning.

The midpoint of Elul is here, and I have learned so much from all of the #blogElul posts that I've seen. Insightful and interesting, lyrical and lovely -- so many different kinds of words have been shared. I suggest you click over to the Twitter hashtag #blogElul and scroll through to see for yourself some of these posts. You won't be disappointed and you'll probably learn something....(You DON'T have to be on Twitter to see this stream!)

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 14: remember

wisps of memory
float in my mind
i try to grab them
and they
slip
away

i want to remember
but sometimes
my mind
wants
to
forget.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogElul 13: forgive

A few weeks ago, this video was released by IKAR, a really fabulous organization in Los Angeles. I love videos like this because they get people thinking and talking and musing and wondering. 


I know, because I was one of those people! My friend Anne (okay, full disclosure, a rabbi too) and I had quite a discussion about this video....and I encouraged her to write it down on her OWN blog. (See, I do a lot of blogvangelism over here...)

So instead of writing about "forgive" I'm going to send you over to her blog to read her words.
What do you think?

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#BlogElul 12: Trust

It is traditional throughout the Hebrew month of Elul to recite Psalm 27 daily. 
A major theme of this psalm is trusting in God. I'm trying. I really am....
My thoughts are in italics....

A Psalm of David:
God is my light and my salvation; whom should I fear? 
God is the stronghold of my life; of whom should I be afraid?
When evildoers approach me to devour my flesh, my own foes and enemies, 
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me, my heart would have no fear; 
though war arise against me, still would I be confident.

The army that rises against me is the army within my child.
I am filled with fear, I am filled with mistrust.
But I am confident that I will find a path. 
I am confident in the strength of faith and family, of love and prayer and hope.
I trust You.
 
One thing I ask of God; that is what I seek: to dwell in the house of God all the days of my life, 
to behold the beauty of God and to frequent God's temple.

One thing, O God. Just one little thing.
I'm just asking for the world. 

God will hide me in God's own pavilion on an evil day, conceal me in the hiding places of God's own tent, and raise me high upon a rock.

Give me a place of shelter, a safe space to rant and rave and scream and cry.
Give me a place of hope to shelter my aching heart.
Give me a place that I can trust, a place where I will know that goodness will be done.

Now is my head raised above my enemies round about me; I sacrifice in God's tent with shouts of joy; I sing and chant hymns to God.
Hear, O God, my voice; I call: have mercy on me, and answer me.
On Your behalf my heart says: “Seek my face!” Your face, O God, I seek.

Remind me of my blessings.
Remind me of those who are with me each and every day, no matter how far away.
Remind me of my community and my support.
Remind me to turn to You.

Do not conceal Your face from me; do not turn Your servant away in anger; 
You are my help. 
Do not abandon me, do not forsake me, O God of my salvation.
Though my father and mother forsake me, God will take me in.
Show me, O God, Your way, and lead me on a level path because of my watchful adversaries.
Do not subject me to the will of my foes, for false witnesses have arisen against me, 
breathing out violence.

There are so many possible paths. There are so many ways I can get lost.
Help me to stay on the path, to stay the course, to be strong and full of courage.
Help me to trust, to keep faith in those who lead and guide and help this path.
Help me to continue to trust that God will continue to watch over and protect my family.

Were I not to believe that I would see God’s goodness in the land of the living….
Hope in God; be strong and of good courage! O hope in God!

Hope is light and airy, it buoys us up and strengthens our steps.
Hope keeps the trust strong, it keeps the faith alive.
To know, to feel, to believe, to trust in that hope...that is our challenge.
Hope in God, be strong and of good courage.... 

--

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts.... 

#blogElul 11: count

When I saw that the topic for day 11 was "count," I knew I had written a post about this topic before. In fact, I've written a couple. One about how Jews like to count. And we do, we really really like it.

Then I remembered another post, which I wrote during this year's Omer period. I talked about the different type of counting in which my family is engaged, the counting of white blood cells and neutrophils and ounces of water and days in the hospital.

Tomorrow begins Sam's bone marrow transplant process. Tomorrow we start a whole new kind of counting. Days until transplant. Days post-transplant. Those numbers will again consume and become our whole lives. Platelet and hemoglobin counts. And new numbers, ones that we've never seen before. Kidney levels, cyclosporine levels, and chimerism numbers. Plus about a billion more numbers...that we have to count.

As a mom of four kids, I'm always counting heads and making sure that I've got everyone. As Sam prepares to go into the hospital, I'm going to be counting heads in a different way. One-two-three...and Sam in the hospital. I am filled with fear that someday my counting will change. I know parents who are counting so very differently...but I try not to think about it. I try not to imagine what it's like to count a different way, a different number, I try not to imagine the pain of that accounting.

It's Elul. It's the time to think big and deep and scary thoughts.

Instead, I'm hoping to be distracted by the numbers. I'm hoping that the actions of counting will consume my time and my mind and let me sink into the depths of the details. I'm hoping that the small actions and details will help us to get where we need to go -- with our mind on the goal, a bright and light-filled future.

I'm counting on it.

The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed. All month, along with others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation... I will be blogging here, and sharing #Elulgram photos on the same themes at imabima.tumblr.com. Follow me on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts, not only mine but others' as well! This year, I'm not doing a linky or anything like that -- I'm conserving energy! So be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so I can catch them with my alerts....

#blogelul 10: see

I really want to write a post about seeing and photographing. Does it change an event when we take pictures of it? Do we remember it more if we have to SEE every moment or if we know we will have photos to remind us? Or do we see more because we are looking for the perfect shot to capture it -- does this quest for the details help us to see more?

I will write that post someday but today I just leave the questions here. 

Ah, Elul....