A Place of Her Own

I've mentioned before how wonderfully unique my daughter is.

She is incredibly busy. There's always a story running in her mind, in her world. She's always pretending, she's always doing something. Recently, she has started spending time in the closet in her room. Yep, the closet. She refers to it as her "office."

The other day, I needed to find something in the closet, and I realized that it was a bit of a mess. Since it wasn't actually intended as an office (obviously), she was squished in amongst bags of old clothes and a few other unused things. I realized that she was in need of a Room Makeover!

Since I didn't see any cameramen from TLC around anywhere, I knew I had to do it myself.

I deliberately didn't take a "before" picture. I couldn't bring myself to do it - it was too embarrassing to show how messy the closet was! But here's the "after" shots....

All the wall hangings were already hiding in the closet, but on a shelf. How perfect?!

With four kids in shared bedrooms in a small house, I know how important it is for each of my children to have their own place. Now that I've set up hers, I'm on the lookout for a few other nooks and crannies for the rest of them...

How do you make special spaces for each of your children?

No Love?

The Abba Sababa posted about what happens when one kid gets sick and the other ones have to go about their regular routine.

This morning, Yael was still feeling under the weather.

Sam: Is Yael staying home again today?
Me: Yes.
Sam: Because, you know, I got, like, no love yesterday.

Right.
No love.
This from the kid who wipes off every kiss...

My sweet girl feeling poorly...watching Dora the Explorer and wearing her big brothers' hand-me-down jammies.

Did you write that song?

When I was a little girl I actually believed that my father WAS Paul Simon and Billy Joel.

After all, didn't he write those songs that he sang to me?

It was a bit of a shock when I realized that he hadn't written them...someone else had.

This was my favorite:

Except, of course, he changed the words to be "little sleepy girl" - so I was certain he had written it.

Now I sing this song to my own children.
For the last ten years.

For the first time...just this past week, David said to me: "Hey, mom, is that a song that you made up or one that someone else wrote?"

No, David, I didn't write it. A man named Paul Simon wrote it.

And the spell was broken.
But he didn't seem to mind.

Typecasting

Yael: Mom, let's play a game.
Me: Okay, what are we going to play?
Yael: You be the mom and I'll be the kid.
Me: I think I can handle this.

a few minutes later...
Yael: Okay, now let's play that you're the mom, I'm the kid, and Solly is the baby.
Me: I think both he and I can handle our roles.

another few minutes later...
Yael: Mom, pause the game.
Me: Okay, but how do I know when we're playing and when we're "paused"?
Yael: (she thinks for a moment) Okay, when I call you "Mommy" then we're paused. When I call you "Mom," then we're playing the game. Got it?
Me: I'll do my best to keep it straight....

Who knew this parenting thing could be so mind-bending!?

When Life Gives You Rain...

...you gotta run through the puddles!

There's something magical about a rainstorm after a long stretch of hot, sunny days.

There's a feeling in the air...there are puddles to be splashed!

Everything feels washed clean...(except the dirty socks)

And there's an extra level of giddiness when your mama says, "don't worry, we can wash everything later!"

Some days...you just have to embrace the puddles.

The People Inside Us

This morning, we were getting dressed, the baby was crawling around, I was sitting on the floor in the upstairs hallway helping to turn shirts right-side-out. Not the ideal time for a deep conversation.

Yael came right up to me, a very serious look on her face, and said: 

When God made you, did he make ME inside you?

Yes, Yael. 

When God made me, he made you inside me. 

And Sammy and Solly and David too.

And let me tell you a secret, I said...

Inside you...there are people too.

Not inside me! 

piped up Sam.

Oh no, I said,  

inside you too.

It's been with me all day.

God willing, my children will have children...the children that are inside them right now. Or...they will bring life to children not of their bodies but of their souls. Or...they will inspire and be the light that shines and guides someone else - a child, an adult, another human being. Or...all of the above.

May we all be so very blessed.

Readiness: The First Parenting Lesson

39 weeks and a little of my office

This was the status I posted on Facebook yesterday:

And many people responded to me with various "tried and true" methods for bringing on labor. One of which was wasabi on toast....

But that isn't exactly what I was hoping for. I don't really know what I'm hoping for.

About a month ago, I wrote this post, in which I said (weird to be quoting yourself, isn't it?)

Nope. I'm not ready cuz the baby's not ready. When the baby's ready, I'll know...that will be called labor. Until then, I'm here and enjoying every minute of this pregnancy.

And it's still true, I still agree with myself.

I think that the most wonderful Jewish wisdom and tradition is not to say "mazel tov" to a pregnant woman, but instead to say "b'sha'ah tova" - not to say "congratulations" but instead to wish her a "good hour." May the baby come when it's good and ready.

Which is really defined as the first lesson in parenting that we as parents receive. Our lack of control over every aspect and element of pregnancy translates exponentially into the lack of control we eventually have over many aspects of our children's personalities, physical traits, skills and abilities. Aside from the usual "man plans, God laughs" idea of it all, there is a deep lesson in this for us to learn to "let go" and figure out what's really important and worth stressing over.

From the very very very beginning.

So the bottom line is? Just because I am ready to have the baby, just because I have all my ducks lined up in neat, pretty, smiley little rows, doesn't mean that the baby is ready. I always say that children walk when they're ready, children talk when they're ready...and they emerge into the world at their time of readiness as well.

I just need to remember it and live it.

And so Rebecca loved Jacob...

Sam is, in so many ways, a quintessential middle child. On the other hand, he and Yael often act like twins, since they have no memory of life without the other one. Either which way, sometimes Sam's personality comes out in...um...unique ways.

This Shabbat, Sam spent "one sleep" with his Bubbie and Zeyde. They have made a concerted effort to take each of my three children separately for an overnight and some special event. This year, each child is going to a different play. Sam's play came up first in the calendar, he is going to see Peter Pan (which is very fitting, since we read the original book together this summer).

Sending Sam to his grandparents' house took a week of "sales" pitches. Sales pitches that, for the first time, actually seemed to work! This morning, he bounded into my room and asked "is today the day I go to Bubbie and Zeyde's?" When I responded yes (and I must admit, cringed, waiting for his response), he cheered and asked if he could take his feetie pajamas. I said yes, and we planned the packing in a few brief sentences. He left my room, empty suitcase in tow. I turned to my husband and we high-fived.

Short-lived.

A few moments later he was back again. "I don't want to go to Bubbie and Zeyde's! David and Yael will get ALL THE TURNS here while I'm gone."

My husband did a great job of explaining that while he was at their house, HE would get all the turns there. "Yes, but not HERE," Sam responded.

He does have a point.

Eventually, it all worked out fine. We packed, he spent the morning playing with his brother and sister, and when my parents arrived to pick him up, he went with them happily. This was, I must say, a first for my little guy - no fuss or muss.

In this week's Torah portion, Toldot, we read about children who are not treated equally by their parents. Jacob and Esau are very different boys and grow to be very different people. It's made very clear in the Torah that Rebecca prefers Jacob, while Isaac prefers Esau. (It does set a relatively bad precedent for Jacob's own treatment of his children, doesn't it?)

I think that the lessons of the Torah are (almost) always remarkably relevant to me and my life. Each time I read these stories of the dangers of having a "favorite" child, I think about how carefully and consciously I try to show my love to each of my children. Sam might believe that he gets less turns that his sister or brother, but to me, how many turns he gets is irrelevant to how much love I show him. I hope, as he grows older, that he will understand this.

Each of my children is so different from the others - each one of them exists as a separate person with unique desires and interests. It's hard to balance this with the idea of "equality" - will they all get and do and have the same things? Probably not. They're different people, situations will change, needs will evolve. What might work for one at age 15 might not work for the next one. I have to keep my eye firmly on my prize - creating healthy, balanced, happy children who feel loved all the time for who they are.

No small task, is it? It's far more than making sure everyone gets the same-sized piece of cake. It's far more than keeping track of who gets into the car first, or who chooses the next television program, or who holds which hand in the parking lot. It's making sure to kiss each child and have a moment to tell them I love them. It's making sure that I celebrate their small and big accomplishments and notice when they're good and kind to each other and to the world. It's noticing when they're feeling down and giving them some special snuggle time. And it's soothing hurt feelings when they don't quite feel fairly treated - and giving them space to air those grievances without laughing (too hard) at their seriousness.

I don't think that Rebecca and Isaac were terrible parents. I think they made some terrible choices in parenting their children. And I think their lesson is loud and powerful for those of us who have to share our arms and our time and our laps with little human beings who want only to be loved.

Sam and his Zeyde building a birdhouse together.

Overflowing

Why yes, that is the sound of  

my heart filling up with love and delight....

Time: Early morning but not too early....just right
Me: Yaelie, did you sleep well?
Yael: Yes.
Me: What was your best dream?
Yael: David. We were picking him up at camp.

Time: about 10 minutes later, the next child comes into the kitchen...
(oh, and he gave me a big morning snuggly hug. Sigh...)
Me: Sammy! How did you sleep?
Sam: Good.
Me: What was your best dream?
Sam: Camp.

And then...to make it all even better....this was the status I posted on Facebook before bed, and I woke up to the comment below...

(I took out the name of my colleague who posted this from camp, just to keep her privacy.)

Does it get any better than this!?

I'm a happy ima today.

Dispatches from Oconomowoc

Today we received 3 letters from David at camp. Yep, three.
(The third was relatively incomprehensible, I think it might be a continuation of an-as-yet-unreceived letter!)

The first is the required "ticket into dinner letter" that the kids have to write on the first day.
I laughed a little as I read it because I didn't sign him up for (expensive) horseback riding. Guess he missed that memo! A friend pointed out that he forgot to sign it (there's no line, probably why he missed it!), but luckily, I'm quite sure of its authorship.

Here's the second letter:

So...do you think he really misses me? (Note, it's addressed only to MOM) Or do you think that he's trying to make me feel better? Maybe a little of both.

One week down, one to go. I do miss my boy. I feel better going into Shabbat with this sign of life.

Shabbat Shalom!

One Happy Camper

So...we dropped off our oldest kid at camp on Monday.
(This is not a post about the importance of Jewish summer camp - this is purely an Ima post.)

Which means it's now been 2 days since I've heard from him.

I haven't called.
I haven't texted.
I haven't emailed.

Okay, that last one was a little lie. A rabbi-friend emailed to ask me a reasonable camp/work-related question. I snuck in a P.S. "how's my kid?"

But aside from that?

Truthfully, I miss him. I miss having him around and a part of our daily lives. But I'm also so curious to know how he's doing, I want to hear about every little detail, I want to know everything.

And I know that I just won't.

That is what I realized today. I just can't know it all any more. When he started in daycare (8 years ago!?), I got a little slip of paper at the end of every day. It charted every diaper change, every meal, every nap, every everything and I got a little written note telling me how his day went. Things have certainly changed since then.

But now? There will be mountains of details that he's not going to share with me. Not even because he's being secretive or whatever, but because that's just how it is.

And that's the sound of my heart breaking a little....

...but also rejoicing, too.
He's independent, bright, happy, and ready.

He's still my baby. Always.
But he's growing up too.
And that's okay.

Separation Anxiety

I really want to write a post about packing up my oldest kid for his first foray into overnight summer camp. Alone. Without me there.

But I'm not quite ready yet.

More to come.

How to Get Your Kids to Love Passover

Many many of my friends and their families have a hard time with Pesach. I know, it seems like a tricky holiday. After all, there are so many rules and things that we can't eat.

And I know that some people reading this can't quite relate to the way that I keep Pesach - since I'm not overly stringent about certain things and I do eat kitniyot. But this is what my family does to keep Pesach and how we make it as interesting and fun as possible...because I want my kids to LOVE Passover as much as I do.

So here goes, my get-kids-to-love-my-favorite-holiday rule:
say YES to as many things as you can.

Chocolate cereal that mom won't buy any other time of year (even tho it's the matzah stuff)? Yep, it's Pesach!

Potato chips for snack? Yep, it's Pesach!

REAL maple Syrup AND chocolate chips on your matzah meal pancakes? Why not? It's Pesach!

Ice cream for a snack (or...even, gulp....breakfast)? Yep, it's Pesach!

Israeli chocolate spread on matzah? (or even...on a spoon) Yep, it's Pesach!

Basically, I make it about what you GET more than what you don't get.
I make as many playdates at OUR house as I can, I bake brownies and offer chocolate spread on matzah for any meal they want.(Oh, and I clear the house of all chametz, of course. So it's just not there if they ask. They can look in the cabinet and take anything they see...out of sight, out of mind.)

Meals are simple - we do eat a lot of fish and potatoes, but everyone likes my Farfel-Cheese Casserole which I make at least once. I always make a few batches of matzah brei as well, which goes over pretty well. We eat eggs for breakfast and sometimes for dinner or lunch. I don't worry as much about nutrition except for one key element: lots of fruit. I splurge and get as many kinds of fruit as my kids will eat. (Gotta keep them...um...regular.) I make sure that every meal has a piece of fruit attached to it and while I'm happy to offer all that junk food they want, I still suggest a pear or apple as the FIRST idea for a snack. Sometimes they take me up on it!

This year we went to the zoo, and we packed a picnic, which we ate before we went in. This worked because even though I put all the stuff in the cooler, it was pretty hot and I would have worried about it if we tried to leave it in the car while we walked the zoo. The kids had matzah crackers with cheese, carrots, macaroons and clementines. I brought a big bag of potato chips and salads for the grownups. It worked great and no one went hungry. (Including the goose who tried to crash our picnic. He got the leftovers...)

We are not as absolutely strict as some people so I usually schedule one trip to New York Slices where they make matzah pizza and one trip to Max and Benny's for their Pesach menu (we didn't get there this year) which breaks up the monotony of eating at home, too. But even if you don't do that, my method would still work well.

The other problem is that so many other people around my kids don't actually keep the holiday. I generally solve this by doing as much fun stuff as a family as we can (want to watch a movie? Sure, it's Pesach!) and inviting other kids to our house for playdates instead of the reverse. The other kids don't seem to mind matzah with cream cheese and it keeps my kid away from having to explain anything.

Side note: This year I made THESE amazing brownies from Marcy Goldman's great Jewish Holiday Baking cookbook and I plan to make them every year....so good. Seriously. You wouldn't believe they're Pesadik.
 

At the end of the day, Passover is my favorite holiday. Yes, it's a challenge, but I love that. It helps me feel special and different, it helps me think for a whole week outside the box, it helps me create something that my kids remember from year to year. And I think that while they might not love Pesach quite yet, they don't mind it at all. And that's good enough for me at this point. I can only hope that as they grow older, they'll love it as much as I do.

 

I feel connected to the story, I truly feel that I walked out of Egypt and I get choked up as we read the lines from the Haggadah..."and you shall say to your children on that day, this is because of what God did for US when WE went forth from Egypt."

 

We've watched Prince of Egypt at least 3 times this Pesach and I find my eyes get moist each time we are freed from slavery. And each time we watch it, I ask my kids "who are those people leaving Egypt?" and they've learned to answer, "that's us."

 

That's what I want.

 

So...What do you do to make Pesach special in your house?

A Proud Ima Moment

Here's my oldest child, counting all the coins in the "donate" section of his piggy bank to give to those in need in Haiti. It was almost $45! He was very proud that he could help out the kids in Haiti.

Check out this sweet post by my colleague and friend, Rabbi Paul Kipnes, about the beauty of "Kid Tzedakah".

Sharing Germs

So, my husband and I were having a fight discussion intense debate heated conversation the other day. I was in the driver's seat, getting ready to leave, and he was standing outside my window.

Sam was eager for us to leave.

We were intent on our conversation.

Finally, he shouted "we're going to be late!" (which is what, of course, I always say) and we realized it was time to end the discussion.

As he walked away, the same thought occurred to both of us.
We've both just finished reading NurtureShock, a really remarkable book about children and what we think we know and don't really know. A general common wisdom is to not fight in front of the kids - but then kids don't see the "make up" or the resolution of the um, conversation. (Go. Read. This. Book.)

So he came back to the car to kiss me good bye.
It was a nice long kiss.

Mr. Impatient in the back seat yelled again "let's go!"

And then he took a new tack:
"You're going to get sick!"

It's not a bad point.

Essential Mom Tools

I am published in this month's special "Family" issue of Real Simple Magazine. I answered the question... "Moms: What's the One Thing You Can't Live Without?"



While I've already posted about this before, I couldn't help but think of how well it fit into this week's Parent's Blog Blast.

I definitely rely on my Blackberry to help me out.

But I know that there are so many other things, like car seats and child-safety locks, that truly are a blessing to me as a parent. There are no guarantees in life, this I know, but these simple tools make me breathe easier. We so often take them for granted - but there were days without carseats, without seatbelts, without safety scissors and bike helmets. Maybe life was freer then, maybe life more calm, but I like to think that we are the ones who are blessed.

(And I said I was taking a hiatus but I just can't stay away. Oops.)

This post was inspired by this week's Blog Blast over at the Parent Bloggers Network , sponsored by Yoplait Kids.

P.S. Haveil Havalim - the Jewish Blog Carnival - is up live over by Jack's place. It's great, as usual!

Left Behind...

Today was a hard day.

Not for my oldest. He was pretty excited to start school. First grade, it's "all that." He's really psyched for tomorrow when he gets to eat lunch at school. He's social, he's happy, he's ready for it all to get going.

Not for my middle. He was also excited to go to school. Last year, he didn't love it so much, but I think he wasn't quite old enough. This year, he's a star. And the teachers noticed how much he's grown up, how happy he was.

Not for me. I know how happy my boys are at school! I know how much fun they're having, I know how much they're learning, I know how good it is.

It was hard for Yael. This morning, she woke up a little earlier than usual, because there was all the hustle and bustle. That was the beginning of it all. Then, suddenly (well in her 18-month-old mind), the boys, including Dad, got their shoes on in a hurry and left.

What!?

She sat right down in the middle of the front hall and screamed. She followed them out the door. She cried as they drove away.

And all day, it was like that. Just not quite right for her.

Poor baby.

I've read lots of articles about how to ease your child into preschool, how to transition to the first day of school, how to make it all okay for the ones who are doing the going.

But not too much about the ones left behind. I never even thought of it. A whole morning alone with her mom...but she didn't quite see it that way.

A little bit of extra love and kisses for my baby this week.

How did your kids do on their first days of school?

(That's my Tuesday Torah for the week. What's yours?)

Skateboarding on the Grass....

Did you know that you can skateboard on grass? And on your belly?

That is, if you're 6 and 2 years old.



This was one of those parenting moments when I couldn't think of a good reason to say no, even though that was my gut reaction. So...I said yes. And then I went for the camera, because they had so much fun.

I feel like those moments come up the most in the summertime, when things are fun and crazy. Today, for example, we were playing with the sand and water table. It's really just a water table this summer, much less emphasis on the sand. The boys started to "spill" on each other...and then it got a little more, and a little more, and then even mama got into the act with the hose! Because I just couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Kids and clothes are washable....

What have you said yes to lately?

See some great pictures here at Mother May I...

The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting

Wow. I am totally in love with this lecture, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brené Brown that I've been listening to. I was lucky enough to win a book from her blog (it was so good, by the way) and when she mailed it, she threw in a copy of her recorded lecture. I had no idea what a gift she was giving to me.

{{{{Deep breath}}}}

I am so excited about it, I keep sharing bits with my husband, my friends, my colleagues, basically anyone who will listen to me. And I'm not even done with it yet.

So far, this is the basic idea that permeates all that I've heard:

“What if our children are imperfect when they get here and it’s our job to teach them loving-kindness?”

A while ago, I wrote this in an interview for Bella...

I want to be patient and quiet and unruffled. My children teach me daily that I'm not any of those things quite yet. I want to be loving and joyful and strong. My children teach me daily that these are what I have to be.

What I love about the connection between these two ideas is that not only are my kids imperfect (and that imperfect is OKAY), but I'm imperfect too...and that's part of life.

I feel like I have so much more to process and consider and think about thanks to Brené. My mind is racing, I have so many ideas and thoughts on how to integrate and accept and use her beautiful words.

A few more thoughts: First of all, Brené is running a track-by-track commentary on her blog for the whole CD. It's great. And since she writes like she talks, I can now hear her voice. Which cracks me up. Secondly, run, do not walk, to buy this CD. Trust me on this one.

This is definitely working for me right now. Go see what's working for other people.

I want to be like Dad...BSM

Obviously, our children want to be like us. They want to do what we do and have what we have. I know that my children (all of them!) think my Blackberry is the coolest toy in the house. There is great power here. Even without realizing it, I have taught them something about what I value. Do I teach them that the Blackberry takes Mommy away from them, or do I teach them that it helps us connect to the people that we love? I hope for the latter, and I think I'm doing alright when my 2-year-old just want to call his grandparents whenever he takes my phone. But it is an awesome responsibility knowing that these little people emulate my every move.

My husband loves to play video games. Therefore, my children want to play with the controllers. These controllers, they know, are important in some way. They don't know exactly what they do, but they want them!

Here is Yael, enjoying the controller that her dad has let her play with, while in th background, he plays his game.



Just for good measure...I did a little editing of another one of these shots. What do you think?



For more Best Shot Monday, go here.

Stay tuned...beginning next Monday is the All-Green, All-Trees, All-Week Celebration of Tu B'Shevat, the Birthday of the Trees!