Being Ima on and off the Bima

Last night, I noticed a tweet from Rabbi Jason Miller, sharing with me an article written on the Forward's Sisterhood blog.

I read it at about 5am, while nursing the baby. A little ironic, no?

It struck me particularly hard, since I have had a little bit of a difficult week in terms of balance. Let me explain.

I'm currently serving on faculty at camp, as you may know. With me at camp are my husband and three children (the oldest is a camper, so I'm not only not responsible for him, I don't even get to see him very much!), and we are accompanied by a teenage babysitter. The babysitter generally shepherds the two older kids to their activities, while my dear husband spends his time with the baby. Often, the baby accompanies me to programming as well, since he likes very much to be the center of attention! Camp is a great place for my family - everyone has something that they enjoy doing, and we fall into a nice routine of sharing our lives with our friends at camp.

For various reasons, my husband kindly agreed to go along on a 3 day camping trip with one of the older units. He left early Monday morning. On Monday, my babysitter started to feel a little ill and began to run a fever...so she went home, ideally just overnight, to speed up her recuperation (she is fine and will be back soon, I hope!). So...I was left all alone with my kids AND my responsibilities to camp. So far, so good. I've weathered this minor storm, my friends have helped out and pitched in, and it's been fine. I am definitely looking forward to both of them returning to share the work, but I am not overly upset about how this has gone. But it's definitely on my mind, making sure that everyone gets what they need from me.

Yesterday morning and this morning, the three kids accompanied me to morning tefillah (prayer). The older two sat quietly during the service (You've got to love the outdoor chapel that makes a little bug hunting during tefillah possible) and the little one was snug in the sling. (I got Sammy to snap this picture for me right before tefillah began, because this blog post was ruminating around in my brain since I had read the article at 5am.)

Note the camp attire (flip flops), baby sling, and tallit. Just another day as the ima on the bima...well, not so much bima at camp. More like tree stump!

I do not know the writer of this article. And I do not actually feel that her post was, in fact, an appropriate response to the post that she cites, a post about young mothers in the rabbinate. Instead, I feel that Chasya-Uriel Steinbauer is trying very much to attack other mothers while justifying her own choices. This is remarkably common and prevalent on the internet - there are so many "mommy bloggers" who want to judge, rebuke, comment upon, and generally dismiss anyone who makes choices different from their own. The comments that I received when I posted this article on Facebook helped me to feel a little less alone when reading Chasya-Uriel's post - it was definitely a case of "I thought it was just me." But I was relieved to know that I am not the only one insulted by her simultaneous dismissal of my rabbinate and parenthood.

She writes:

"I don’t think congregations are concerned with how motherhood might interfere with a mother’s ability to do the job as rabbi; rather, I suspect congregations are concerned with hiring someone who is obviously allowing a rabbinic job to interfere with motherhood. And I have to agree. I would rather see at least one parent at home full-time with her/his baby or toddler — ideally the birth mother, unless the child is adopted. This is what is best for the baby."

Wow. This is quite a statement, Chasya-Uriel. There are some truly remarkable jobs (not just the rabbinate) held by mothers of young children. Do you also feel that mothers should not be doctors, lawyers, professors, social workers, teachers, artists....? And are you honestly telling me that fathers cannot be full-time caregivers of their children, if that is what works for the family? (Oh, and by the way, that IS what works for my family.)

Chasya-Uriel continues: "I do think that ima eventually belongs on the bima."

Ouch. "Eventually"????

And then:

"I agree with Rabbi Levy that all women, mothers or not, should be given the same chance to serve the Jewish community as their male counterparts. But women and men who are parents should be prioritizing serving their babies and toddlers before they prioritize serving the Jewish community. We also need to honor the unique relationship a new mother has with her baby. The attachment formed, especially when breastfeeding, is unparallel to that of the second parents, whether a father or another mother.

We need to allow what rabbinic work we have accomplished up until now to be put on hold, trusting that we will be much better mothers because of our earlier experience as rabbis. If we have set up our lives in which we tell ourselves that we “have” to work or attend school while having a baby, perhaps it is time to reexamine our lives and reprioritize so that we can find a way to be with our children."

Oh my goodness.

I am both a mother and a rabbi. Some days I'm more ima. Some days I'm more bima. (See blog title.) Some days, I'm trying to make it all work. But I don't think I'm doing it wrong. I just know that I'm doing it. I've created four wonderful little people and my husband and I delight in their growth of body and spirit. We definitely juggle, we definitely argue over who goes where and when. My children do not play multiple sports or attend a lot of extra programs. I do serve in small ways on the PTA but I'm not in the classroom helping out. I don't "do it all" but I do what I do. I try to do it all as well as I can, with as much love and attention and energy as possible. My children are washed and fed and cared for and loved by their parents. Most of their care is done by my husband or by me, or by Grandma or Bubbie & Zeyde, or some of our wonderful team of babysitters and friends who help us out. My congregation never fails to share my delight when my oldest sings in the Junior Choir or the baby accompanies me to Torah Study on Shabbat morning. I am often scolded for not having them around, since many people feel love and "ownership" of my children. I feel so lucky and blessed to have so many people who care about the well-being of my children and my family.

There is absolutely no question that I would be a different rabbi if I did not have children. Would it be better for my children? Would it be better for my career? Would it be better for my congregation? Would it be better for the Jewish people?

I strongly believe that the answer to all of these questions is NO.

Dear Chasya-Uriel,
Please enjoy the time that you are spending with your daughter. Cherish every moment. Please know that many people (women and men) who came before you have enabled you to spend that time and make that choice.

Please know that many others have made choices different from yours. I do not judge you for your choice. Please do not dare to judge me for mine. I am intensely proud of the life I lead. I work incredibly hard at all that I do, trying to be the most fulfilled person that I can be - while loving and growing and raising my family. I respect and admire my friends in all forms of their rabbinate - women and men who are juggling and balancing and maintaining remarkable families, careers, lives.

Our choices change over time, we make new decisions based on the situations in which we find ourselves. Lives change. Goals change. Purposes change. Focus changes.

Please remember that like the rabbinate, motherhood comes in all styles.

Enjoy yours.

I am most definitely enjoying mine.

Sitting Still

Maternity leave is supposed to have a sense of recuperation? rest?

Well, something like that.

Except with baby #4, not so much.

Now, it helps that this baby is lovely. He really is. He sleeps pretty well, he eats great, and he's pretty good with lots of little people poking him and making faces at him and all the other things that big brothers and sisters do. And he's (relatively) happy to be moved around, shlepped in sling or carseat.

But there's been a lot of moving. A lot of running around. And not too much sitting still.

Part of that is my personality. I hate to just sit. I am always trying to get something done. Part of it is a need to continue the life and routines of the other three children.

But sometimes, ever so rarely, when I'm alone in the house with just the baby,
I look down and see this in my arms...

...and even though I can see, from my spot on the couch, literally 500 different things that need to be done...

I just sit still.

Before I was a mom...

Before I was a mom, I imagined what those bedtime conversations would be like.

We would lay together in the dark, a small body snuggled up to mine, in those last few moments as the little one drifted off to sleep.

Quiet breathing, calmness would settle.

My little person would perhaps, sleepily, ask me one of the Big Questions:

Where is God, Ima?
When will I grow up?
What happens when we die?
Why are we here?

And I would begin to answer...and the child would drift off...and I would gently kiss a sleeping child.

That was before I was a mom.

Last night, I lay in bed with my 2 year old, her small body snuggled up to mine, those last few moments before sleep.

Quiet breathing.

And then the Question:

"When I get older, can I have gum?"

Ah....reality.

Written as part of MamaBlogga's Group Writing Project for August. Click over and join in!

Tuesday Torah: It's *always* Mother's Day!

Mother's Day has come and gone.

And while I appreciate the gesture, I really feel that we have the obligation to honor our moms (and dads too) all the time, every day.

And while I know how much of a break most moms need, why do they only get it one day of the year, and why do we celebrate motherhood by spending time away from the kids?

And yes, we all have a mom. And yes, we all made someone a mom. So it seems like a rather benign holiday, right? Until things like this. Why is there some insistent need of the media to classify parents in certain ways? Why can't they accept families as they are and want to be, why do we need to create a hierarchy of mom-ness? I am really horrified by this crazy story, horrified that someone approved this project, that someone could really be so ridiculously out of touch with the ways that families are created. ("Adopting mom"? "chairman of everything mom"? Who are these people!?)

One of the problems with mom-land is the "competition"...you know: "my kid is reading at a third grade level..." "well, little Johnny has already completed his black belt..." etc... Perhaps it's one of the things I love and appreciate about the blogosphere -- we are not afraid (most of us) to post our kids successes and failures, we are not afraid to talk about our own successes and failures.

Being "supermom" isn't necessary out here. We can just be ourselves.

And you know what? We are enough.

What's your Torah this week?

Why I am Terrified to be the Mom of a Girl

Mommy-ing

Rushing around to get everything done, I know that I am quite a picture as I march into Target, the baby in the sling, the toddler on my hip. We zoom around the store, singing songs and pointing out interesting things in the store -- toys, markers, shirts, diapers -- my almost-2-year-old repeating the words as I say them to him. The baby reaches for her brother and I gently move her hand away. The store is our playground this morning.

One day a week I am with these two. The other six days (except in the summer), I work outside the home. My job is wonderful, fulfilling, and thankfully, flexible. That doesn't mean it's not a lot of hours. So this one day, I treasure with them.

As we leave Target, the baby is almost instantly asleep, worn out from seeing the world from my hip. The bigger one is sleeping within 5 minutes. My first instinct is to wake him, jerk him out of that netherworld of dozing, so as to earn for myself a longer afternoon nap. My next is to watch him in the rearview mirror, loving his beautiful baby look as he sleeps. I turn the car and drive towards Starbucks instead of home. I order my coffee (iced, hazelnut syrup, splash of milk...the poor mama's latte) and drive slowly home. I park in front of the house and sit, breathing deeply, drinking coffee, listening to the soft sleeping noises of my two little ones... debating to take them inside, let them nap...and then the baby wakes up, slowly, quietly, and looks around. Her brother continues his beautiful sleep...and then it's over. He wakes up, and we move on with our day. My quiet moments are shattered but now we're moving...doing...being.

Booty (pirate), bubbles, and the bike...followed by a little bit of Elmo's World as we cool off from the heat outside. I sit on the floor and they battle over my legs, she is trying to crawl over them, he wants her spot. There's enough room for both, I try to say, but he will have none of it. I squeeze little toes and knees and fingers and tushies as they wrestle and writhe around the living room floor.

I am mommy...my very body belongs to them. They use me as a jungle gym, horsey, pillow, snack. Even when I'm at work, my thoughts are with them. Priorities? It doesn't even begin to describe it.

This post was written as part of MamaBloggas September Group Writing Project.

Moving Out of the Shadows - BSM

This is my favorite shot from this week (there were a lot, actually!) and I can't believe that because it's Labor Day, I almost didn't even realize that it's Monday...and I almost missed Best Shot Monday. So here I am, better late than never.

I love this picture not for its technical merits or even its beauty, but for what it signifies for me. As my son walked away from me on the playground on the first day of school, I shot this picture of him...and at first, I tried to get my shadow out of it. Until I realized that my shadow is exactly what he's walking out of.

Over the last few weeks, there have been a lot of comments on my blog by new visitors (hi there! thanks for coming!) asking questions or wanting to know more about my job as a rabbi and what that means. I can't tell you all about it in one blog post but I plan to continue to write about my life and perhaps more about being a rabbi (since it seems to be interesting -- and btw, I apologize to those who commented on my Thursday Thirteen last week -- I have been under the weather and couldn't respond!)...

Which is all a long way of explaining my shadow.... up until now, my son has always been in Jewish preschools/daycares. I have always been somebody -- I'm not just a mommy, but I'm also the mommy who is a rabbi. People ask for my advice or invite me to come in and speak. They have a sense that I'm involved on a higher level in the community (and in a sense, I am).
In public school, which my son started last week, I am not really anybody more than a mommy. Of course, the school is wonderful and I'm not implying that they are treating me or my son in any way badly. But for now, he is on his own. He doesn't have my shadow to trail around after him as "my mom is the rabbi." He has to leave my shadow behind. I cannot completely control his environment any longer.
And so this picture...which as I took, I knew, would be this post,
and as I took this picture, I knew it was true.


My little baby is growing up, moving out of my shadow.

May he forge his own path, and may it lead him to a life of great fulfillment.


See more Best Shot Monday here.
(ooh, and see my BSM button over on the right!)