The Five Minute Megillah

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Chapter 1:
Once there was a king named Achashverosh, who lived in Shushan, the capital of Persia.
He wasn’t wise.
He wasn’t clever.
He wasn’t handsome.
But he was rich.
And he had a beautiful wife, named Vashti.
One day, he threw a party for a whole week.
And he invited his wife, Vashti, to dance before him.
Naked.
Guess what? She said no.
The king was not pleased.
He threw her out, and went looking for a new queen.

Chapter 2:
The king decided to throw a Miss Shushan pageant, so he could see all the girls in town.
It was a little more than a swimsuit competition, let’s just say.
One particular Jewish girl, named Esther, niece of great guy Mordechai, got into the final round.
And whaddaya know? She won the day.
Queen Esther. Who knew a nice Jewish girl from Shushan could get to be queen!?
Oops, but that was the secret.
She couldn’t tell the king that she was (whisper) Jewish.
Oh, and by the way, these two guys tried to kill the king.
Uncle Mordechai overheard and told Esther, who told the King.
He wasn’t wise or clever, but he was lucky.

Chapter 3:
Then one day the King appointed a guy named Haman to be his chief advisor.
Remember, we said this king wasn’t so clever.
Haman was a little full of his own power, and required people to bow to him.
Mordechai thought this was ridiculous, not to mention against his religious beliefs.
When Haman heard that Mordy wasn’t bowing, he vowed revenge.
Cuz he was that kind of guy.
Haman told the king that there were all these folks who wouldn’t follow the rules.
The king gave him permission to destroy them.
Remember, we said he wasn’t too clever.
So Haman set a date for the execution of all the Jews of the land.
This is where it gets a little hairy.

Chapter 4:
Mordechai told Esther that she had to do something.
Um, didn’t you tell me not to tell anyone that I’m (whisper) Jewish?
Change of plans. Time for the big reveal.
Just FYI, it’s not a good idea to go to the King without a Friendship Request.
Your account gets deactivated, if you know what I mean.

Chapter 5:
Esther gave it a go – she went before the King.
She dressed up too!
She invited the King and his henchman Haman to a feast.
Seemed innocuous enough.

Chapter 6:
The stuff in Chapter 6 is not totally relevant to the story.
So we’ll skip it.
Remember, we said 5 minutes.


Chapter 7:
Esther invited the King and his evil compadre for another feast.
Things were going well.
The king was happy.
And remember, he’s very rich.
So he offered Esther a present. Anything.
“My life!” she cried, ever the melodramatic sort.
She told the king that Haman was trying to kill her.
The king didn’t seem to care that she was (whisper) Jewish.
He was more perturbed that this dude wanted to off his wife.
“Off with his head!”
Haman’s end.

Chapters 8, 9, and 10:
The king made it up to the Jews.
He wasn’t so clever, but he knew where his bread was buttered.
Haman and his sons were toast.
Mordechai and Esther were heroes.
And they all lived happily ever after!

Composed by Rabbi Phyllis Sommer (that's me)