No Worries Here

Cross-posted to Superman Sam's blog...

Tuesday, 2:23pm: Snow is falling thickly outside. Afterschool activities have already been cancelled. I'm in my comfy clothes, working on the computer while Solly naps. When the phone rings, and I see that it's the school, I assume it has to do with the snow.

School nurse: Hi, I have Sam here and he says his knee hurts. And he is worried because it's just like before.

If I tell you that I nearly dropped the phone...if I tell you that I burst into tears...if I tell you those things, I know you would forgive me for losing my cool.

I asked to talk to Sam. In a very calm, small, quiet voice, he said, "Mom, it feels just like when I was first diagnosed."

I swallowed hard.
My seven-year-old knows the word "diagnosed" and uses it properly in a sentence.
We discussed whether he should stay at school or not. With the snowstorm, and only about 45 minutes left in school, he decided to miss gym but rejoin his class for music.

And I called the clinic.
In tears.

They were, as usual, amazing.
As a fellow pediatric-illness-parent-friend said to me, they know every nook and cranny of the cliffs that we are ready to jump off. This one was a pick-up-my-kid-in-a-near-blizzard-and-drive-all-the-way-to-Milwaukee-for-an-MRI kind of cliff.

But they talked me down. He had gymnastics on Monday. Maybe he wrenched it? His joints and bones could be affected by the chemo and this could just be residual effects. It could just be normal-kid-aches-and-pains.

Sam had a clinic appointment scheduled for today, Friday. A regular check-up. The ones that I'm not supposed to worry about. The ones that they told me were just for routine.
That we would notice symptoms if anything was happening.

Tuesday night, he limped around. He took a bath. He snuggled while we read Ramona Forever.
As he went to bed...he said, "I hope it's not leukemia."

I said, "me too."

By Thursday, he was fine. No pain. Except the one inside my stomach, waiting to have a medical professional PROVE to me that he was fine.

I was up all night last night waiting for today's drive to Milwaukee. What would the results say?

It's all fine. He's fine.
Numbers normal.
No worries.

Well, not at least until next time there's a false alarm, right?

Chocolate pudding & a movie at 10am? You know we're in Cancerland for the day.

{36 reasons} Teaching Each Other

I imagined that I might teach each of my children something new during this project.

But yesterday they taught each other.

Look, it's not all flowers and hearts in my house...my kids bicker and complain and annoy each other.

But when they get along?
It is so so so sweet.

Sam sat down next to Yael at the piano and offered to teach her to play his lesson - "Old McDonald Had a Song." You'll be surprised to know that it's based on the original. She agreed.

And he taught her. He pointed for her fingers, he instructed her, and he did so in his best "teacher voice."

It was awesome.

A few minutes later they were nipping at each other like puppies.

But aha....I have a permanent memory of that moment. And of each moment when they act like my dream-vision of loving siblings. When they snuggle together, play together, tell stories together, share together....it's not all hearts and flowers in my house.

But when it is? I am so grateful.

Blessed are You, O God, who has given my children siblings with whom to fight and play, and who has given them the desire to spend time together and love each other, and who has brought me to this day.

#36Reasons - Sammy and his Jammies

 
Funny story...have you ever noticed that there were posts in your "drafts" that you just never got around to writing? Um...yep.

When I discovered this post, I giggled. Clearly, I wanted to write about Sam wearing his jammies everywhere. I remember how funny it was that he would get up in the morning, change into "daytime pajamas" and then switch back again at night into "bedtime pajamas."

As part of my 36 day project, I am planning to write about various memories on Shabbat. So here's today's memory-walk. Check out my little guy...I think these pics are mostly from the ages of 3-4...and now he's a grown-up seven.

And he still likes to wear his pajamas.

Lucky Number Seven

Once upon a time he looked like this...

...but he's grown up so much.

Of course, this year's birthday is especially poignant.
Every birthday matters. Every year is worth celebrating.

But after the last five months, we are especially filled with gratitude on Sam's birthday this year.
We've already started discussing how we can honor his birthday in some incredible way in the future.
And I love planning ahead with him.

Birthdays matter.
Each and every day is a precious one.
Happy birthday, Sam!

 

November 10, 2018

It seems far off, right?

It's Sam's Bar Mitzvah date. 2 Kislev 5779.
His parasha will be Toldot. It's a good one. One of my favorites.

Sam's 13th birthday is on a Thursday AND it's Rosh Chodesh Kislev. But I figure we'll wait two days until Shabbat to make it more convenient for folks. Time is on our side.

I like to plan ahead.

There will be many many many milestones between now and November 10, 2018.

But this is what I'm focused on right now.
With three rounds down and one to go...a mama has to make plans.

Because even though sometimes God laughs at the plans, they are exactly what we need to keep going. Plans grow from hope. Or perhaps they ARE hope. Either way, it's one of the things that is driving me through all of this.

I'm not going to write about cancer forever. I'm going to write about other stuff - B'nai Mitzvah, weddings, and a whole heap of other good, NORMAL things.

My friend Anne imagined it right at the beginning.

I've latched onto it...it is my beacon. I can feel the handle of the Torah scroll in my hand as I watch and hear him read Torah. I can hear him chanting the brachot. I can even imagine him playing an instrument - some days it's sweet, like a flute. Other days, I cringe when I imagine him setting up a drum-set on the bima. I play it out in my mind. The bagels and kugel. The frog-and-turtle-green kippot. The hand-made tallit with love woven into every stitch. The count - how many years that he has been cancer-free? The tears. The reluctant hugs. The wide smiles.

Mark your calendars now.

Blessing in a Hospital Room

When my son, Sam, was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (AML), one of the first things we learned was that the hospital was about to become our home.

For about a month at a time...at least four times.

After this sunk into my brain, I started to consider how the room could become home-like for Sam. And for us.

Home is where you hang your mezuzah, after all.

In my foggy brain, I recalled that after 30 days, a mezuzah is usually required on the door of a dwelling. But without doing any research at all, I knew that even if we were here for 300 days (God forbid), I wouldn't want to believe that this was a permanent dwelling.

No way.
No way.

So I started to think about what we could do instead of a mezuzah. After all, its basic underlying purpose is to bring blessing upon the home, to remind us of our connection to God our community and the blessing that these connections are to us. So I went to our home and I looked around for a symbol of blessing that I could transport to this temporary dwelling place.

I looked around and saw the chamsa art pieces hanging next to my bed. I bought them in Israel and consider their presence to be a beautiful reminder of the blessing of Israel...and the chamsa is, of course, an amulet for protection. Perfect. So I scooped them off the wall and hung them carefully in our hospital room. (Using lots of tape.)

Not only is it a blessing, but a reminder of home. When our time in the hospital comes to an end, I will place these amulets back on the wall at home. I will say a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving, a prayer of survival and success. Trust me, I'm planning ahead.

For now, its presence brings blessing here in the hospital.
A blessing for protection.
For hope.
For health and healing.
For us.

For those interested: the halacha (legal interpretation) of mezuzot actually suggests that a hospital room is, in fact, a temporary dwelling that I do not own. Therefore I am not required to place a mezuzah on the door no matter how long our stay in the room. In addition, I have learned that the practice of reaching up to touch the mezuzah upon entry into a room can actually spread bacteria in a hospital and is now discouraged in Israeli hospitals. "Air-kissing" the mezuzah is now the suggested practice.

Spinach-Banana Muffins {recipe}

So Sam needs a few extra leafy-greens.

They say that these are good for building up your blood production.
Which is exactly what Sam needs. I think.

Well, it never hurts to eat spinach, right?
Just ask Popeye.

Sam is a pretty good eater, he loves fruits and some vegetables. But he doesn't eat a lot of spinach or kale. So we're working on that. He'll eat spinach in a smoothie. But eventually that gets old...I hear kale chips are good. We'll try that next.

We had some great banana bread the other day, and I was about to make some more when I had the brain-flash to add spinach to it! Of course, I turned to Chef Google (sometimes confused with Rabbi Google or Dr. Google) and found this recipe, which I promptly adapted based on what I had in the house!

Spinach-Banana Build-Your-Blood-Count Muffins 
(adapted from Anja's Food4Thought)

1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup yogurt
a splash of lemon juice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tablespoon flax seed meal (ground flaxseed)
1 tablespoon almond butter
1/4 cup mashed banana (1 medium banana)
1 cup packed baby spinach leaves

Yields 6ish - I actually got 9

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease or line muffin tin.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a food processor, blend the spinach leaves until finely chopped. In another bowl, whisk together, sugar and egg until creamy. Stir in yogurt, lemon juice, cinnamon, flax, almond butter spinach and banana. Fill batter into prepared muffin tin. Bake for 25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Super-Green Muffins!

And they were a hit with the kid too!

Owie Owie Owie...Ding!

We tend to follow to the school of parenting that minimalizes things:
Did you bump your head? We'll give it a nice gentle rub and a big kiss.
Is there an owie? Here's a bandaid. Are you sure you need a bandaid? Is it bleeding? Can I just give it a kiss and it will be all better? Okay.

Michael heard a comedian, Alex Cole, do a routine many years ago.
He explained that a magic way to cure any "owie" is to rub it three times and say "owie owie owie DING!" And we still use that wisdom. There's a hand motion to the "ding" part, by the way. It's all in the showmanship.

We're not callous. We dole out kisses and gentle pats and caresses. We hug and we wipe tears.
But we tend not to make a big deal of things.
"Are you bleeding?" is frequently how we start a conversation with children who come downstairs after bedtime shema and kisses.

Today, Solly got a little bump - I don't even remember what he was doing, it wasn't that big of a deal -- and I gave his little kepele (Yiddish for "little head") a little kiss. "It's okay," I said. And he waddled off...

And as I breathed in his baby scent, I realized that leukemia just doesn't work that way.

There's no owie owie owie ding.
It would be much easier if there was...

Sometimes a hat and a visit from Dad seem quite curative, though.

Nothing is the same

Many of you may know already, but things have changed for our family.
Our son, Sam, was diagnosed with leukemia.
It is rotten awful terrible SUCKS.

But since I'm nothing if not consistent...a blog has begun.
Superman Sam is open for business.
I want to tell Sam's story...for ourselves and our family and friends.

I hope the blog is really really really short.
And I am planning for a happy ending.

Thanks for joining me.
Thanks for loving us.
Thanks for everything.

Click...

Sam is right on the edge. Right on the cusp.

Of reading.

He is so ready.

Tonight, I brought home a used set of Bob books.

He opened one and started to read.
His face lit up as he read the simple story.
And then he read the next one.
And the next.
And he couldn't stop.
"Can I read the next one?"
He didn't want to go to bed.
He read one on Facetime to his grandparents.

Finally, it was bedtime.

"Can I take them upstairs and read with Yael?"
Um.... how can I say no?

A few minutes later, they're back.
"We need a little light."
(Now, let me tell you, it was waaaaay past bedtime. But I know the feeling. When you're on a roll and you just can't go to bed.)

I listened at the door.
"Look, Yael, that says 'Dot'. Say 'Dot.'"
Not only did he learn how to read tonight.
He taught his little sister too.

Because it's way more fun to read with a friend.

 

Do you remember that feeling?
The beginning of reading....the opening of that big, amazing, exciting world?
Let the adventure begin....

It's All About Perspective

We're driving to school...
Sam sees a nativity scene in front of a house.

Sam: What's that?
Me: Well, it's the story of Christmas...
Sam: Can you tell me the story?
Me: There's a mom and a dad and the mom is pregnant, but she doesn't have a place to have the baby.
Sam: So she had the baby in a sukkah?

Hmm. I see his point.

Kiwi Bread?

Me: So, guys, I got a new oven. What should we bake to test it out?
Sam: Kiwi bread! 
Me: Um...what's kiwi bread?
Sam: You know, kiwi bread! It's so yummy. Make kiwi bread.
Me: Yeah, that doesn't help much...do you know what kiwi is?
Sam: Yes, it's green.
Me: {totally puzzled}
Sam, after a few minutes of thought: OH! I mean ZUCCHINI bread! 

Right.

I couldn't find the recipe that I know I've used in the distant past (um, at least a year ago...how does he remember these things?) so I turned to Smitten Kitchen. Her recipes are always winners. This one was no different. Definitely a keeper.

(I left out the nuts and raisins. My kids are purists.)

The only edit I made was to coat the inside of the pan, after greasing, with cinnamon sugar. Which just makes it even better.

Delicious.

Now, does anyone have a recipe for Kiwi Bread?

Here come the animals!

I'm not a huge animal fan.
Okay, that might be an understatement.
I am *not* an animal person.

My kids, on the other hand, generally love animals. Especially my Sam.
He has begged and begged and begged (did I mention begging?) for a pet.

Dogs and furry creatures are out.
So he started in on lizards.
And snakes.
And toads.
And turtles.

For the record, no. And no. And no. And no.

But Sam loves animals.
So for his birthday, I splurged.
I invited Lil Critters and their (gulp) animals to come to my house.

Um...I think I didn't notice that a tarantula was on the list. But I digress.

Sam was in heaven.

How cute is my little birthday guy?

(And even Solly got to pet a tortoise!)

Blessed are You, Adonai our God,

Ruler of the world, Creator of all life.

Silly Hair

Six is Awesome

From this...

To this...

...is quite a journey!

Six years old...

full of opinions

kindergarten

learning to read

building with legos

committed to "fair"

loves his little brother

idolizes his big brother

fights with his sister like they are an old married couple

full of opinions

(I might have said that before, but it bears repeating)

and growing up more and more

every day!

Happy birthday, Sammy!

Yep, he's mine...

Sam, holding up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup:

Mom, these have peanut butter in them.

That makes them healthy food.

Scourgify Calories...

Sam, the (Kosher) Ham

This was the fourth summer that we were blessed to visit our friends who have a house in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It is truly amazing to be with them, especially now that these friends have moved away from Chicago - we hadn't spent time with them since last summer! My kids love their kids and vice-versa, and it is always a wonderful couple of days together. We spent a lot of time out on their boat, and it's been really amazing to watch, as over the years, my children have become more and more comfortable with the various boating activities. In previous years, Yael loved to watch but would not go on the tube. This year she was so excited to go with the "big boys" (and she had them wrapped around her little finger, let me tell you). But the real star of the show was, in my mind, Sam.

He was fearless, taking turns on the tube and also the knee board (like a stepping stone toward water skiing). Here he is, showing off his skills... "look, no hands!" And we could hear him shout, "is that all you got?" and flash the "faster" sign. He was singing to himself and smiling and clearly enjoying every moment of this experience. The kid is a (kosher) ham. He could tell that we were having a great time watching him and that fueled his fire.

 He looks so little and far away when he's out on the board, being towed by the boat. It's such a moment of release for me, to put my kid out there and watch him, huge grin on his face, so far away. (Of course, I really have no worries in terms of safety - our friends are incredibly safety-conscious and take very good care of our family and theirs!) To see my little boy growing up into a funny, daredevil, fun-loving person is so remarkable. Here he is getting a big hug on his return to the boat. We all laughed with delight at his antics. I think the kid is truly ready to leave the nest for kindergarten. He'll be the class funnyman for sure.

Of course, not everyone was impressed with the whole experience.

See more Summer Stock Sunday (which I haven't gotten around to much this summer!) over by Robin's place.

Where has the magic gone?

Sam has had a loose tooth for quite some time. I, personally, was a tooth puller. The thing got loose and I was all over figuring out how to get it out of my mouth fast. Sam, on the other hand, was a prolonger. He wanted to keep that darn tooth in his mouth as long as possible.

Which left us plenty of time to discuss
The Tooth Fairy.

Sam insists that it is not real.

Which, of course, it isn't.

So why am I so upset and annoyed about this? Why do I care that my child doesn't believe in a fairy tale, a fantasy, a made-up concept?

I think it's because I'm sad that he isn't at all interested in magic.

You know, magic.


He is such a realist, such a pragmatist, that he can't even believe in magic. He won't. (Trust me, I tried.)

I've been thinking a lot about why this bothers me. And I've figured it out.

It's about God.

I know, for sure, that not believing in the Tooth Fairy will not necessarily lead to a lack of faith in God.
(After all, I know that there's no Tooth Fairy but I'm pretty confident about my belief in God._

But I think that is my worry. If he is so certain, so sure, so absolutely positive that The Tooth Fairy doesn't exist...how much harder will it be for me to convince him that there is a Holy One, that the God of my Ancestors is his God as well?

We talk about God all the time in my house. I want him to have a connection, a relationship, a belief.

Is that too much to ask?
Sigh....this parenting thing is hard.

P.S. Here's what I had to say when David lost his first tooth.

Move Over, Cake Boss - Dragon Cake

My kids (and their parents too!) have all fallen in love with the show Cake Boss. One of the episodes we saw was of a Chinese dragon cake - simply spectacular. I do actually believe that Sam's desire for a "dragon party" stemmed from his desire for a cake like this one.

I'm good. But I'm not that good.

Then again, the internet is my friend. So I discovered this pattern, and it seemed like we could do it.

So here we went...Michael helped with the cutting (he's good at that spatial stuff):

And then I did the assembly and frosting.

And then, voila, an amazing DRAGON cake.
Fire-breathing and everything!
(The fire is fruit roll-ups, by the way...)

Move over, Cake Boss, the Ima is in town.

Dragon & Dinosaur Party

Last year, Sam had a Monster Truck party. It was a big success. Each year, our parties are low-key but well-planned - we try to find a theme that will be fun for the kids and their friends.

So this year, Sam asked for a Dinosaur Party. And then he asked for a Dragon Party. So I decided to combine the two - they seemed pretty similar to me, right?!

So...here's what we did. Everyone was invited by evite (my first time actually using it, how about that for a techno-geek like me?!)

A bunch of little boys descended upon my house (6, to be exact) and they started out by playing with every dragon and dinosaur toy we had in the house.

We went outside to play some games. My awesome husband led them in "roaring" exercises, a dinosaur scavenger hunt around the yard, and my favorite game - Viking Says. Here is a little "viking" scratching his armpits. (Other things they did? Scratch their heads, jump up and down...ya know, all good Viking things.)

We always play some sort of pin-the-tail game. This is pin-the-tail on the dinosaur...it never gets old.

Each of our parties has a story time. Why not? Every kid loves a good story. We collected all the dinosaur and dragon books around the house and Michael read 3 or 4 books to the boys. Their attention didn't waver for a moment!

We ate pizza, and it was my favorite part of the party because I loved listening to the conversation between the 7 little boys (and Yael, who mostly just ate) - a serious conversation about their favorite cartoon characters, and how old exactly each one of them is ("I'm 4 3/4!" "I'm already 5!") - it was a delightful "fly on the wall" moment because I don't think they had any idea that I was listening so hard. The other pretty cool thing? I put a bowl of carrots on the table and I'm quite sure that every kid had at least one, without any prompting!

Each friend took home a really cool party favor that I ordered from Giggle Junction - it was an "I spy" bag with a dinosaur theme. I special-ordered these through their Etsy shop and they were a total hit. (They also took home a personalized placemat with their name and a dragon/dinosaur picture on it. One of the parents told me that they still have last year's party placemat!)

After everyone left, Yael and David helped Sam open his presents, and then...

I took a nap.
(Wouldn't you?)

Come back tomorrow to see the coolest cake I've ever made.